


Inside

by Luni_Ambrose



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Depressions, Self-Harm, Seth as a writer, Suicide Notes, more tags and characters will be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:00:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>>>That moment you realize how bad you really feel deep inside...how broken you are...Skin too tight, the voices in your head way too loud, the pain burning down your soul.<br/>This life isn't worth it anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First look into his mind

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags! This story will contain self-harm, suicide stuff and much more...

The trees were colourful, the sun shining. A few birds singing. Some kids playing around.

It was a pretty warm fall afternoon as I walked across the park right next to the river.

I spotted an empty bench and sat down. Enjoying my green tea with lemon and crushed ice, watching that kids trying to catch a little butterfly. I felt so great. After months of being inside. Inside my own cage. A cage of depression.

Finally I found a way out of all that shit. At least I thought so.

A second butterfly showed up. Right in front of my face. Flying around me for some time before landing right next to me. For the first time I realized the small, black notebook.

Just opening a random page.

 

„ _That moment you realize how bad you really feel deep inside...how broken you are...Skin too tight, the voices in your head way too loud, the pain burning down your soul._

_This life isn't worth it anymore._

_You know there is just one way to feel you're still alive... but you made a fucking promise not too...“_

 

These word, even in a foreign language, I can feel them. I know the meaning. Too well. Looking at my own arms, seeing the scars. I just stopped a few weeks ago. Most of the scars slowly fading away.

Another random page.

 

„ _And the moments you break down... crying at night... in a lonely hotel room. Missing the life you once had... Laughing, having fun, joking around... Now it is just game I play. Hiding my scars. Cutting in some dirty locker rooms... I love to see and feel me bleed. Fuck that promise. They'll never know...“_

 

I let out a sigh. I knew that feeling. And reading those lines just started to pull the trigger in my head. Again.

Another page. Another little trigger.

 

„ _Hunter won't be there to save me again. Next time I will die. Nobody is going to change that. Just a last tour. Just a few last matches. Against Dean and Roman. It's time to pull the trigger. Last show on tour will be **my** last.“_

 

My head was spinning. Hunter? Dean? Roman?

Suddenly there was a name in my mind. Seth. Seth Rollins?!

I started to read each and every page. This was no stupid fanfiction or whatever. This was real. And I knew he was in town. For the last show on tour the next day. Great.... So what should I do? I had no clue where to find him. Or how to stop him. Or whatever.

 


	2. Chapter 2

I took out my phone, trying to find any hint where to find him. Nearest hotels, gyms and some sightseeining points. Without a real plan of what to do in case I would find him I got up, storing the little notebook in my pocket.   
I was never a big fan of Seth. But I knew that there must be a kind of difference between what he really is and what he is showing in the ring. 

Hours went by. I checked out a few gyms, some hotels and the most popular sightseeining shit. With a new green tea I went to the arena for a second time. A few fans were sneaking around. I asked some of them if they had any idea where to find Seth or anyone else. But nothing.   
A few hours later, the fans already left. I was freezing. The sun was long gone. 

„Can I help you?“ A voice from behind me. My whole body stiffened. Slowly I turned around. A man with a dark hoodie and dark sweatpants. He pointed his flashlight right into my face so I wasn't able to see his face. I was afraid. Deeply afraid.  
I made a step back. And another. And again one step back. Slowly. 

Out of the bright light of his flashlight. I looked at him once again and stopped moving backwards.   
„Maybe you can...“ I said and moved forwards again. He realized that his god damn flashlight made me blind and put it down.   
„Sorry..“ He smiled at me. „My name is Finn and I didn't wanted to scare you...“   
„Nice to meet you, Finn. I'm Nala.“   
„Can I help you? You're looking lost..“ 

I took out the small notebook and explained Finn that I found it and that I think that it belonged to Seth. He asked if he should call him to ask if he is missing something.  
„No Finn. I guess that wouldn't be a good idea. What he wrote.. it is.. I don't know how to explain it. But I think he needs help.“   
„What?“ Finn tried to grab the notebook.   
„Stop! I think this is private and...“  
„Oh, private.. how comes that you know what is in there?“ He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. „I found it. Tried to find out if this is trash or not. Finn, I know this sounds strange...but I think he needs help and I'm able to help him if I'll get a chance.“  
„You're on.“ Finn smiled at me. I was shivering, not knowing if it was because of him or because it was damn cold. „You wanna come with me? I've got a room for two...“


	3. Chapter 3

I couldn't help myself but laughing out loud. „Are you kidding me?“   
Even it was pretty dark I was able to see Finn blushing. „Sorry. This... this sounded awkward. I just wanted to say that I've got a room with enough space to talk and if you're getting too tired...“  
„It's okay, Finn. Calm down.“ His cheeks turned into a dark reddish colour.   
Finn let out a sigh. „Thank god..“  
„I wouldn't mind sharing a bed with you.“ I smirked. His mouth just popped open but he didn't say anything.

Ten minutes later we arrived at his hotel. He asked if I would mind if he just rush up to his room on his own to clean the mess he made earlier. It was totally fine and I sat down at the bar, ordering an apple bourbon with coke. Round about five minutes later I heard someone argueing loudly. I turned around to see Dolph Zigger and Seth Rollins fighting with each other. Seth smacked Dolph right into the face, again and again.   
Dolph didn't even try to block anything and something in me snapped. I jumped up, nearly stumbling over my own feet. Without thinking about anything I got between them, not realizing that Seth had a glass bottle in his hand, trying to hit Dolph with it. But instead of hitting Dolph with it Seth hit me with it. Right on my forhead. I could feel the glass breaking, my skin burtsting open.   
It was a hell of a pain. But for the first time in weeks I felt alive. Just to black out seconds later. 

It was great that they had their own medical staff on tour. Finn stayed by my side the whole time. Offered to hold my hands while I got 4 nice and shining staples into my head. It was so nice to have somebody that caring around. He helped me into his room.  
Seth was tied up on the second bed in Finn's room, Dolph babysitting him.   
„Careful..“ Finn said, pointing at some piled up Lego's on the floor. They must have been the reason why he needed time to clean up his mess. I couldn't help myself but giggle. 

„Sorry Finn. But this is way too cute to be true.“   
Dolph got up from the bed. „Thank you...“ he said and just hugged me. I was to overwelmed to do anything. „Seth is a little bit... off lately.“  
„It's okay... I always wanted to know how it feels to get those staples.“ I smiled like a little girl on chrismas eve. Standing right next to two of my favorite wrestlers. And got hit by one of my most hated ones. My day was about to be the best day of my life. Even more as Dolph kissed my cheek before he left.

„Nice colour, Nala.“ Finn had this damn cute smile on his face, making me blush even more. I turned towards Seth.   
„So.. Hey. My name is Nala and I just have been knocked out by a wrestler called Seth Rollins.“ Seth turned his head away. „Okay, you don't want to talk to me. I get it. But maybe I want to talk to you. After I found your notebook in the park.“ Within a second he stared at me. Eyes wide in shock.  
„What?“ His voice was filled with fear.  
„I'm here to... Damn, I don't even know why I am here.“ I let out a sigh. „Seth, I don't know what I should say... But I understand you...“

Silence. 

„You want to change your shirt? It's all covered in blood.“ Finn finally broke the silence.   
„Yeah...guess it would be less disgusting.“ I got up and Finn gave me a shirt. „Don't want to be rude.. but I don't think this will fit.“ I started laughing out loud and Finn blushed.   
„I'm way too small for this world I think.“ He winked at me.   
„Too small, too cute... No seriuos.. I'm just too big...or too fat. Don't mind.“  
„I'll ask someone else. Just a moment, okay?“ Finn gazed between me and Seth for a moment before he left.

„Okay, Mr. Rollins. I found it. I read it. And I know what you have in mind for tomorrow. And I'm here to make sure that this will never happen.“ I just sat down on the bed, removing the cable ties from his wrists.   
He stared at me, gently rubbing his wrist. „Why?“  
„Because I know what it feels like. And I.. I just got out of that shit a few weeks ago. I found your little diary and... I knew that I just have one chance.“  
Before Seth was able to answer Finn came back with a clean shirt.   
„Please never tell me where you've got that from, Finn.“ I just took off my dirty shirt, not caring about Finn and Seth watching.   
„You... what?...Are those...?“ Finn stuttered.   
„Yes, these are scars. And yes, I did that shit all by myself.“ With the new shirt on I felt a lot better. 

And then there was a tiny whisper. „You're like me.“   
Seth.   
And I knew that I had his attention now.


	4. Chapter 4

„What?“ Finn staring at me with eyes wide open.   
„Rough times.. you know?“ I smiled at Finn before turning my attention back to Seth.   
„Finn, can you leave?“ Seth voice was a bit shaky, filled with pure disbelive.   
„I'll be waiting outside. If I hear anything I'll come back.“

After a few silent moments Seth asked if he could see the scars again. I just pulled the shirt up and suddenly I felt his warm hand on my skin. Tracing some scars here and there.   
„Never met someone like me..“ Seth's voice was trembling. „These are beautiful.“   
„Seth, stop it. They are not beautiful. Just a dark reminder of some hard fights.“ I pulled the shirt back down. Seth gave me a sad look but it didn't worked out the way he wanted. „I don't know what happened to you, Seth. But I'm sure there is a chance to fix everything. I changed my whole life. And do you know what? It feels just great.“

It was a little bit of a lie. I was still fighting against my inner demons. And the pain of the breaking glass bottle just reminded me of everything I had done to myself.   
He stood up, pacing around the hotel room. „You know nothing.“   
„I know, Seth. But you can tell me if you want.“ I smiled at him, holding out my hand. Seth took it, pulling me up and close to him. Within a second his lips sealed mine and I was unable to do anything against it. His arms around my body. My heart skipped one or two beats.   
Slowly he pushed me away, eyes on the ground. „Sorry.“

„It's okay. Guess you need someone in your life..“ I couldn't help myself but smile. There was a tiny smile on his lips and that made it all worth.  
„Not anymore. 'm sorry, girl. But I think this too late.“   
„Tell me what happened to you, Seth. I just want to understand you.“ I sat down on the bed, tapping on the blank space next to me. He sighed but finally sat down next to me.  
„You first.. What happened to you?“

„Long story...Here is the short form... Shitty childhood, bad friendships, mobbing and a lot more. One thing lead to the other and I was stucked in that shit.“ I showed him some of my scars on my arm, telling him why they were there.   
„'kay.. I was in love with someone and the whole break up was just ugly. It broke me into pieces. I'm a broken man and this is my final night.“ He pulled me closer. „So do you want to join me in my room? Fuck a little bit and tomorrow we go sperate ways?“ Seth kissed me. Rough, demanding. I tried to flinch away but he got a grip on my hair, holding me in place.  
Once he broke the kiss I was way too shocked to do anything.   
„I'll leave now. And don't even think that Finn is able to stop me. Everyone knows how dangerous I am. Or haven't you see Dolph? Helpless, not even trying to fight back?“ There it was, the typical Seth Rollins grin combined with that stupid, hysterical laughter.


	5. Chapter 5

„Calm down, Seth. Please. Do I have any chances to stop you from killing yourself?“ I tried my best not to cry or break down. He scared me.   
„Maybe.“ That smirk didn't made it better.   
„Okay... Just give me a few minutes with Finn. I think he is more than shocked right now.“ Whatever I had to do to save his live – I was willing to do.   
A simple nod. „I'll wait outside. And don't try to trick me.“ 

Seth stepped out of the room, sending Finn back in. I was just standing there, eyes to the ground. My whole body shivering. This wasn't right.   
Suddenly I was pulled into a hug. Finn wraped his arms around me, just holding me. „Everything alright?“   
„No.. Nothing is alright.. Seth said there is only one way to change his mind. I'll have to spend the night with him to maybe change it.“ I was sobbing against his chest.   
„You don't have to, Nala. Just handle me over this notebook and I'll get him help. If he wants or not. Just try to calm him down for a while...“   
I handed it over to Finn, wiping away the tears off of my face.   
„Help him, please.“ Finn nodded.  
„I will. I promise you.“

I walked out of Finn's room. Seth stood with his back against the wall, smirking.   
„I need a drink or two before I can... you know...“ He nodded in agreement and we headed down to the bar. I ordered an apple bourbon with coke again while Seth went for some wodka-shots.   
„I think we should take a walk.“ Seth said while staring at his hands and I nodded, quickly finishing my drink.

We ended up in the park where I found his notebook. On our way there Seth bought a bottle of Jack Daniels for us. No matter what Finn had in mind to help me, it wouldn't work while I was that far away from the hotel. Seth tried to kiss me more than once.   
„Sorry, still not drunk enough... Don't take it too personal Seth. I just had some bad.. boyfriends.“   
„Come on, girl. I need this.“ His hand was on my thigh, gently stroking.  
„Let's go back to the hotel“ I said with a faked smile on my face. 

Seth was tipsy and I had a hard time to get him back to the hotel. Once we arrived there I saw Finn with Dean and Roman standing at the bar. I let out a sigh. Help was near.   
It all happened way too quick for me. Once we arrived at the bar Roman and Dean grabbed Seth and left us.   
„I was worried“ Finn said, pulling me into a tight hug.  
„Me too. He wanted to leave and I guess have some outdoor fun.“ 

„Do you want to come back to my room? Roman and Dean will take care for their baby boy.“   
„Baby boy?“   
„They had a... relationship. Seth wasn't able to separate what happened in the ring and outside. Seeing Roman with his title killed what they had. And with the brand split everything got worse.“ Finn broke the hug and took my hand. „Come with me upstairs. I've got so many questions.“  
„Because of the scars?“ I was afraid but at the end I agreed.


	6. Chapter 6

I sat down on the floor, started to play with Finn's Lego. He was watching silently.   
„Haven't done this for quite some time...“ I giggled.   
„Are you trying to avoid the questions?“ He raised his eyebrow.  
„No. Just ask. I'm a bit tipsy I guess and my whole body feels... strange.“   
Finn offered me a hot shower and I agreed. 

While I was enjoying the warm water on my skin, washing all those touches away, Finn got me some sweatpants. I did my hair in some kind of loose bun, a towel around my shoulders.   
„It's because of Seth, right? 'cause he touched you.“ Finn was right. I had no problem with hugging Finn or even Dolph but Seth made me feel so damn uncomfortable.   
„Yes. Because he tried to force me into something. Had some boyfriends doing the same. Bad memories.“ 

Finn gave me some kind of isotonic drink and I sat down on the second bed in his hotel room.   
„What will happen to Seth, now that everybody knows?“  
A sigh from the other bed. „Roman said something about an asylum. I guess after tonight he will be suspended because he attacked you.“   
„What? He didn't do that on purpose! I guess if he loses his job everything will get worse!“ I jumped up, started pacing around the room. „And I guess he won't be pleased to end up in an asylum!“  
„Calm down, Nala. I know this won't be the best but there is nothing I can do about it. And right now I'm not caring about him. I'm more worried about you. You had this weird smile on your face while you got the staples into your head. You enjoyed it, right?“  
There was no chance to lie. He saw what he saw. I nodded, biting my lower lip, sat down on the bed again.  
„You told me you're 22 years old. Your body has some bad scars. You enjoyed it because you're still fighting against it, right?“  
„Yes Finn. I'm still fighting. I was mostly smiling because I always asked myself how those things would feel. Saw that many videos... I'm a god damn wrestling fan. And suddenly I found Seth's suicide note, met you, got hurt with a glass bottle – and got staples into my forehead. Guess I should call it a good night. Apart from what Seth tried to do..“ I was playing with my fingers, not able to look at Finn. „It's a strange thing to find a suicide note of someone you don't know and still know in some way because you watch him wrestle every week. And... meeting your wrestling crush in the middle of the night isn't something that happens very often.“   
„Seth is your crush?!“ Finn's voice was filled with a slight hint of disbelief.  
I bursted out in laughter, nearly falling out of the bed. „You're too cute, Finn. You really are. This is so god damn adorable..“


	7. Chapter 7

„I'm over 30.. Cute, adorable, too small. Great!“ He smiled at me. „So it's Dolph I guess?!“  
„And it seems like you're living behind the moon, my dear. I thought you would notice that it's you... Remember what I said about sharing a bed with you?“   
His mouth popped open, eyes wide open.   
Yes, this guy really owned a cute house behind the moon. I guess it's made out of red, black and white Lego. 

„Yes, maybe you are over 30 and still cute, small and adorable. But you are damn god looking, one of the best wrestlers of all time and...I like your bodypaint.“  
„Oh“ was the only thing Finn was able to say for quite some time.   
„Maybe I should just head out back home. I'll return the clothes tomorrow.“ I got up, trying to collect my stuff. Finn seemed to be paralysed, watching me silently. 

„It was nice to meet you, Finn. Take care of Seth. I beg you. Don't let him go through all this alone.“   
I left and Finn didn't followed. An hour later I arrived at home. I felt exhausted. With my sleeping shirt on I put the clothes Finn gave to me into my washer. A small meal later I layed down in my bed, staring at the ceiling. What a day. Way too much for me. I felt the emptyness coming back, the desire for pain and blood.   
This wasn't right. 

Within a few moments I found the number from Finn's hotel. I called, asked to get connected with his room.  
His voice was sleepy, so dark and raspy. „Yes?“  
I wasn't able to say anything for a moment.   
„Hello?“   
„Finn?“ I found my voice again.   
„Yes... Who am I talking with?“  
„Nala..“ Suddenly everything felt so wrong. „Sorry, it was a mistake to call you. Sorry Finn.“  
„Stopp.. What is wrong, baby girl?“ My heart skipped on or two beats. He called me baby girl. Finn Bálor called me baby girl?! 

„Nala, talk to me. Or tell me where you are.“   
„I'm at home. In my bed right now. I'm sorry Finn. I really am.“ My voice was shaking, my eyes watering. „I'm about to do it again..“   
„Oh god no. Please... Nala, baby girl. Talk to me. Tell me where you live.“ I could hear the fear in his voice.   
„Can I come back to the hotel?“ I had no idea what I was expecting. Why should he care about me?  
„Of course! Just take a cab and come back. I'll be waiting at the bar.“ There was something in his voice...I wasn't able to tell what exactly. But it seemed like he was excited.

I called a cab, changed back into some street clothes and made my way back to Finn.


	8. Chapter 8

We met at the bar and I just ordered drinks for us. I needed to be drunk. With Finn by my side I wouldn't hurt myself.  
It didn't took too long until I felt pretty tipsy. „To your room?“ I whispered into his ear. He took my hand, guided me to his room.   
Finn took off his shirt, stepped out of his sweatpants. All that there was left was his shorts.   
„You want your baby girl on her knees?“ I heard myself saying to Finn.   
His eyes were a bit unfocused but there was a tiny smile on his face.   
„Wanna be my baby girl?“   
There was no answer. Just me on my knees within seconds. 

The rest of the night... I couldn't even remember. We were naked. Both. Some random red spots, bitings and scratches on my body. I turned myself to Finn. Watching him sleep so peacefully.   
After maybe half an hour I got up. Nearly stepping into the used condom. Thank god he used one!  
On the table I found some empty papers and a pen, quickly writing my number on it. Got dressed and took a picture of the sleeping, naked beauty I just had a hell of a hot night. Even I wasn't able to remember everything. Maybe it wasn't just one picture. More like... 20 pictures. But I knew I had to make them to keep this moment forever.

I made my way back home, putting the clothes I got the night before into my dryer. Making some breakfast and tried to refocus on my own life. Something in me knew that Seth was in good hands now. Nothing to worry about anymore.   
Later that day I made my way to the arena, making sure Finn would get that clothes back. In the bag a message that he can call me anytime he wants. Afterwards I sold my ticket for the show, knowing I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Sitting on my bed that night, staring at my phone. Nothing happened. Like the day after. And the day after that. Sometimes I just wanted to write him on Twitter. But instead I just sighed and rewatched the pictures I made that morning.   
After this one night I stopped watching wrestling.   
That was nearly a half a year. And then there was this magic night. Turning on the TV to get my mind off. And then there was his voice. Making my heart skip a beat or two.   
And I knew... I was going to a show as soon as I'd get the chance.  
Baby girl was back on track.

**Author's Note:**

> After a huge commentar I have to admit.. I've got dyslexia since I was a little girl. Writing was always a fun project and it helped me a lot. Still there are many things I suck at. I know that.  
> But english is still not my motherlanguage and I really, really can't be perfect... This is something I am not even able to in my own language... I have to say that it is much easier to write in my own language, with my own style. Because I know how to cover my bad spelling.


End file.
